Assertiveness

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KEY POINTS

• Assertiveness is a group of attitudes, behaviors, and skills that allow you to express your feelings, opinions, beliefs, and needs openly and honestly in a positive way.
• Being assertive is not the same as being aggressive. Assertive people deliver clear messages in a level, even tone of voice, and listen to what others have to say.
• Taking a class to learn assertiveness skills can help you learn and practice healthier ways to deal with other people. Consider joining a support group. You may get helpful feedback from group members.

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What is assertiveness?

Assertiveness is a group of attitudes, behaviors, and skills that allow you to express your feelings, opinions, beliefs, and needs openly and honestly in a positive way.

Attitudes

• You believe that you have the right to share your thoughts and beliefs with others.
• You are not afraid to speak up for yourself.
• You can set limits with others and say “no”. You do the things you have time to do and want to do, but you don’t do things that make you feel resentful or used.
• You know that you have the skills to express yourself well.

Behaviors

• You stand or sit up straight when you speak, rather than slumping. You face the person you’re talking with instead of turning away or to the side.
• You make eye contact when you talk with someone (without staring).
• You match your expression to your message. For example, you don’t smile when you are saying something that upsets you.

Skills

• You show that you are willing and able to listen to the other person. You don’t assume that you already know what they think and feel. This may mean that you listen to the other person before you express yourself.
• You choose the right time to deliver your message so that it is effective. It may be best to speak up right away. It’s also OK to wait until you’ve had a chance to think about how you feel and what you want to say.
• You talk in a level, even tone of voice rather than speaking too softly or too loudly. This helps you deliver a clear message.

Being assertive is not the same as being aggressive. Aggressive people try to force others to do what they want by shouting, threatening, or attacking. Assertive people express what they think and feel, and listen to what others have to say. Being assertive can help you:

• Ask for what you want
• Gain confidence and feel better about yourself
• Be treated with respect
• Have positive relationships with less stress and drama at home and at work
• Give you a sense of control and still consider other people when you make decisions

How can I be more assertive?

Assertiveness can help you say things that are hard to say or that you think others might not want to hear. You can use this skill at work, at home, or with friends. It takes practice. You may want to practice being assertive with people you don’t know, such as sales clerks, waiters, or plumbers.

• The first step is to know what you feel. Do you feel angry, frustrated, hurt, bored, stressed, embarrassed, or anxious? Then identify what you need from the other person.
• Decide when, where, and how to assert yourself.
• Practice what to say ahead of time. Your goal is to express yourself honestly and accurately without blaming another person. Use "I" statements, not "you" statements. For example, say "I am not able to do that," rather than "You shouldn't ask me to do that." It can be hard to express feelings such as anger or hurt. Examples of “I” statements are:
  • I felt hurt when you...
  • I feel pressured to…
  • I feel frustrated when you...
  • I would better understand what you are asking if you…
• Be as specific and clear as possible about what you want, think, and feel. Stay focused on your goal.
• Maintain eye contact with the other person.
• Speak firmly and loudly enough to be heard. Use an even tone of voice. Say what you want to say, but don’t get angry. Avoid yelling, name calling, threats, and swearing.
• State your point of view without feeling like you have to apologize for it. Don’t feel you have to give reasons when you say no. Some ways to say “no” are:
  • I’d rather not.
  • I can’t do that right now.
  • Thanks for asking, but no.
• Don't weaken what you say by starting out with something like, "I know I'm probably wrong, but..."
• Ask for feedback and listen to the other person. For example:
  • Am I being clear?
  • Does that make sense?
  • What do you want to do?

Taking a class to learn assertiveness skills can help you learn and practice healthier ways to deal with other people. Consider joining a support group. You may get helpful feedback from group members.