Coping with the Suicide of a Loved One

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KEY POINTS

• People commit suicide for many reasons, and you may never know what caused your loved one to take his or her life. Accept that it was not your fault.
• If you feel anxious, depressed, or angry for a long time, therapy and medicine may help. Consider joining a support group in your area.

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What is suicide?

Suicide is the act of taking one's own life. Suicide is one of the leading causes of death in the US.

What are normal reactions?

Losing a loved one to suicide is a different type of loss and creates emotions and feelings different from other losses. Besides feeling shock and sadness after a sudden death, when someone close to you commits suicide, you may:

• Wonder why your loved one would do this to you
• Feel angry or blame the person or other family members
• Feel numb and out of touch with reality
• Feel frustrated because you want to know why it happened
• Feel guilty and constantly think "if only I could have done something”
• Think about committing suicide yourself

If your spouse or partner committed suicide, you may not want to love again because you do not want to be hurt again.

You may feel embarrassed or ashamed, and not feel like talking to anyone. You may feel very alone because you don’t know anyone else who has lost someone to suicide.

What help is available?

It may take weeks, months, and in some cases, many years to feel like yourself again after someone you love commits suicide. Sometimes friends and family may push you to "get over it" before you’re ready. Appreciate that they are trying to help, but let them know that it takes time, and that’s normal. Therapy may help.

Cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) is a way to help you identify and change views you have of yourself, the world, and the future. CBT can make you aware of unhealthy ways of thinking. It can also help you learn new thought and behavior patterns.

Some people have symptoms of depression, anxiety, or trouble sleeping for a long time after the death of a loved one, especially a death from suicide. Medicine may help.

How can I take care of myself?

There are ways to help yourself cope with the suicide of a loved one. These include:

• Accept that it was not your fault. People commit suicide for many reasons, and you may never know what caused your loved one to take his or her life. You cannot control everything. Even if you had done things differently, your loved one may still have chosen suicide.
• Cry. Some people fear that if they start crying, they will be unable to stop. This is not true. It is a natural part of grieving to cry and talk about your memories and feelings for your loved one and how they died.
• Get support. Talk with family and friends. Tell your friends that it is okay to talk about your loss and let you know they care. Consider joining a support group in your area. Suicide survivor support groups are very helpful.
• Learn to manage stress. Ask for help at home and work when the load is too great to handle. Allow yourself to have fun. Get involved in social events and pleasant activities. Find ways to relax. For example take up a hobby, listen to music, watch movies, or take walks. Try yoga, meditation, or deep breathing exercises when you feel stressed.
• Take care of your physical health. Try to get at least 7 to 9 hours of sleep each night. Eat a healthy diet. Limit caffeine. If you smoke, quit. Avoid alcohol and drugs. Exercise according to your healthcare provider's instructions.
• Ask your healthcare provider or therapist what symptoms or problems you should watch for and what to do if you have them.

For more information, contact:

• National Institute of Mental Health
  866-615-6464
  http://www.nimh.nih.gov/
• Mental Health America
  800-969-6642
  http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/