Coping with Divorce

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KEY POINTS

• Ending a marriage is a major life change. It affects not only your relationship with your spouse, but your finances, feelings about yourself, relationships with other people, and your future.
• Get support from family and friends, or a support group. Postpone major decisions for a few months after a divorce.
• Take care of your health and learn ways to manage stress.
• Give yourself to take time to heal, regroup, and recover.

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What is divorce?

Ending a marriage is a major life change. It affects not only your relationship with your spouse, but your finances, feelings about yourself, relationships with other people, and your future.

Deciding that a marriage is over can be very painful for both partners. Problems may have built up over many years. Some of the most common reasons for getting divorced include:

• Having an affair
• Not communicating with each other and not knowing how to manage conflict in a healthy way
• Having different views about money
• Not making the relationship a priority
• Having a mid-life crisis
• Feeling like your needs aren't being met or that you can't count on your spouse
• Alcohol or drug abuse
• Physical, sexual or emotional abuse

What should I expect to feel?

You may feel a wide range of emotions, as well as a lot of confusion and self-doubt. It is common to feel:

• Bitter, angry, and betrayed
• Unsure that you want to leave the marriage
• Guilty, embarrassed, or ashamed because you feel you have failed
• Anxious about the future and worried about what will happen with your children
• Sadness and grief over losing someone you have loved and built a life with

Physical symptoms may include:

• Back pain, headache, stomachache, or tense muscles
• Change in appetite, heartburn, or upset stomach
• Increased use of cigarettes, alcohol, or drugs
• Trouble concentrating or remembering things
• Trouble sleeping and low energy
• Weight gain or weight loss

There are 4 tasks of grief that most people go through when mourning the ending of a marriage. They are:

1. Accept the reality of the loss. This means knowing that your marriage is over.
2. Work through the pain of grief. You will have a variety of intense feelings as you work through your grief. Some of them may not be pleasant, but let yourself feel them anyway. It’s OK to cry, but it’s also OK to laugh when you remember good times.
3. Adjust to a different reality. You will need to deal with the changes that come as a result of the divorce. You might have to take on new tasks, do things differently, or give up some activities. You will start to see the impact that the divorce has on your day-to-day life. Give yourself to take time to heal, regroup, and recover.
4. Move on with life. This is the time to invest your time and energy into living again.

These tasks may not happen in this exact order. This is normal. Don’t judge yourself for needing time before you "get on with your life." Lack of trust can be a problem for years. Self-esteem may need to be rebuilt after the sense of failure that can result from a divorce.

You may feel lonely living without another adult. You may need to learn how to have a social life without a partner or how to date again.

How can I take care of myself?

• Get support. Talk with family and friends. Consider joining a support group in your area. Individual or group therapy may offer support and help reduce fears and worries, such as fear of living alone, of taking care of yourself, of being responsible, of others disapproving, and of the unknown.
• Postpone major decisions or life changes (such as changing jobs or moving) for a few months after a divorce. You are more likely to make good decisions once you have worked through your feelings.
• Learn to manage stress.
  • Know what things can upset you and try to have a positive attitude toward those you cannot avoid. Try not to worry about things you cannot control.
  • Do something just for yourself. Getting a new haircut or having a therapeutic massage can do wonders when you are feeling stressed.
  • Try to resolve conflict. Don't hold onto angry feelings.
  • Simplify your life. Check your schedule and to-do list. What must be done? Are there things you can ask someone else to do? What tasks can be dropped? Learn to say "no."
  • Accept a "good enough" result. Don't demand perfection from yourself or others.
  • Find ways to unwind: take up a hobby, listen to music, watch movies, or take walks.
• Take care of your physical health. Try to get at least 7 to 9 hours of sleep each night. Eat a healthy diet. Limit caffeine. If you smoke, quit. Avoid alcohol and drugs. Exercise according to your healthcare provider's instructions.
• Look at the positives. Think of all the things you have been waiting to do. This can be a time of joy, fulfillment, and relief. You may start dating, traveling, or doing things that until now you have put off doing. You are free to focus on your own financial, emotional, and social needs.
• Get emergency care if you have serious thoughts of suicide or self-harm, violence, or harming others.