Creating and Keeping Intimacy in Your Life

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KEY POINTS

• Intimacy is the sense of being close to other people and feeling accepted for who you are.
• Practice listening, humor, and warmth and sharing your feelings with others. A sense of belonging and not feeling alone or lonely is important for you to feel good about yourself.

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What is intimacy?

Intimacy is the sense of being close to other people and feeling accepted for who you are. Intimacy can be between parent and child, between 2 adults as friends or partners, or between coworkers. This sense of belonging and not feeling alone or lonely is important for you to feel good about yourself.

How can you create intimacy in your life?

• Make relationships an important part of your life.
  • Spend time with people who enjoy the same hobbies and activities you enjoy.
  • Make time for your friends. Reach out and let others know that you care.
  • Make an effort to keep what is good in your relationships and be willing to change if needed.
• Practice active listening skills with others.

  Really try to understand how others feel. Make sure you know what people are talking about by asking them questions and clarifying what they mean. Express interest in what they are doing and feeling. Don’t be afraid to listen to others in distress and to let them know you care. You don’t need to give advice or try to say the right thing. Just be there.

• Learn how to talk about yourself.

  When you are upset about something, ask someone you trust for a few minutes time to talk about it. When you confide in others and open yourself to others, they will confide in you.

  Learn how to express your feelings. As you consider your reactions to daily events, mentally start sentences with "I feel...." Then say the sentence aloud to someone. Try not to hide your feelings in relationships. Depending on others can be a sign of strength and can help a friendship develop into a relationship where you can rely on each other.

• Make time for intimacy. If you live with others, start a conversation at the dinner table. Talk about things that happened at work, items in the news, and what you are feeling that day. Meet friends in person when you can, rather than just emailing or texting.
• Be real.

  Be honest with yourself and your partner or friends about who you are, what you like, and what you expect in life. If you always try to please others and ignore your own needs and wants, you will feel cheated and taken for granted. Be honest and open about your feelings and ideas. Accept different views and feelings, even anger. All relationships have highs and lows and conflicts.

• Respect and support other people in an accepting way.
• When others talk to you about their feelings, focus on their words, and don’t try to guess what they think or feel. Don’t judge their feelings, even if they are different from what you would feel in the same situation.
• Show warmth.

  Smile, call people by name, ask them questions about themselves, look them in the eye, and remember things about them. This will help you feel connected.

• Use your sense of humor.

  Be willing to laugh at yourself. Use humor that does not make fun of others but helps you laugh together.

What should I do if it’s hard for me to be intimate?

If you grew up feeling unsafe, you may have trouble trusting yourself or others. For example, you may have been emotionally or sexually abused, neglected, or too often criticized. You may expect friends to betray you. You may not trust your judgment about other people and fear that you will be hurt.

Only by taking risks can you find friendship and love with others. Practice listening, humor, and warmth and sharing your feelings with others. You will be rewarded with warmth and caring from new and intimate friends.

Support groups can be very helpful in learning how to take risks. They provide a safe place where you can work to overcome your fears. In a support group, others will listen carefully and without judgment to what you say. Seeing a therapist can also help.