Jealousy

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KEY POINTS

• Jealousy is an emotion that involves the fear of losing something or someone you value. When you feel jealous, you have a strong need to hold on tightly to what you have and to keep others from taking it away.
• Healthy ways to deal with jealousy include learning ways to relax, talking with your partner, or talking with other people who can help you see things objectively and calm down.
• If jealousy is affecting the way you relate to others and your everyday activities, ask your healthcare provider for help or a referral to a counselor.

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What is jealousy?

Jealousy is an emotion that involves the fear of losing something or someone you value. Jealousy is most common in romantic relationships, but can also happen with friends, family members, or coworkers.

When you feel jealous, you have a strong need to hold on tightly to what you have and to keep others from taking it away. For example, you might feel jealous if you think that your partner is giving too much attention or affection to someone else. Jealousy can make you feel fearful, nervous, angry, and threatened.

It is normal to feel jealous once in a while. However, extreme jealousy can damage your relationships and your health. Jealousy can cause trouble sleeping, loss of appetite, a fast heart rate, and depression.

What is the cause?

You are more likely to be jealous if you had problems in your family when you were growing up. For example, if you were often rejected or abused as a child, you might have learned to distrust people. A girl who believes that her father loves her sister more than herself may have trouble with jealousy of other women later in life. She may be jealous of her coworkers or her husband's coworkers or even of her own daughters.

What can I do to deal with jealousy?

Jealousy is often based on doubt. The first step is to ask yourself questions like:

• What do I feel insecure about?
• Am I feeling bad about myself and taking it out on someone else?
• Do I doubt that my partner loves me?
• Do I doubt that I can have the type of relationship I want?
• Am I trying to control my partner to the point where it might be abuse?

Managing jealousy does not mean that you never feel upset, or that you never express your feelings. Learning to manage jealousy means:

• Being aware that you are feeling jealous
• Knowing what triggers your anger or insecurity
• Finding healthy ways to deal with your jealousy

Healthy ways to deal with jealousy include:

• Practice relaxation techniques. Deep breathing, tensing and relaxing your muscles, or picturing a comforting or pleasant scene can be quick ways to relax. Once you feel more relaxed, face the situation honestly. It is possible that your partner is cheating on you, or that people at work are shutting you out. It’s also possible that there is no real reason for you to feel jealous.
• Talk with your partner about your feelings. Let your partner know what makes you feel worried and jealous. Use "I" statements such as "I feel jealous when you..." rather than sounding like you are blaming the other person. Express yourself in a calm and respectful way. Don't shout or curse.
• Talk about it with a friend, family member, or counselor. Other people may help you see things objectively and help you calm down.

When is jealousy a problem?

Jealousy may be a more serious problem if:

• You can't stop thinking about it and it controls what you do.
• It causes personal, work, or legal problems.
• It causes you to hurt other people.

If jealousy is affecting the way you relate to others and your everyday activities, ask your healthcare provider for help or a referral to a counselor.

Get emergency care if you or a loved one has serious thoughts of suicide, violence, or harming others.