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KEY POINTS
- Healthy ways to manage conflict include speaking up, finding out what's wrong, and then coming to a joint decision on what to do about it.
- If you are having trouble coming to an agreement or compromise, take a break from talking about it for up to a week so that you can each think about it over time. Sometimes a neutral third party who can listen well is helpful.
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Why is managing conflict important?
Differences of opinion are part of life. Conflict is not always bad, but it does need to be managed at work and at home.
Where does conflict come from?
People in the same situation can have very different feelings or ideas about what to do. For example, one supervisor may yell at a late employee while another may ignore him.
Conflict may arise whenever people disagree over responsibilities, values, beliefs, desires, or ideas. For instance, a couple may have conflict over who should make decisions about spending money.
How do people manage conflict?
Because people are not the same, they deal with conflict differently.
There are several ways people manage conflict:
- If your style is to compete, you may feel that if you do not win, you are a loser. You try to make sure that your way is the way things are done.
- If your style is to avoid, you may not want to talk about the issue.
- If your style is to accommodate, you give in to the other person's idea.
- If your style is to compromise, you address the conflict openly so that both people get some of their needs met.
Most people have one style of managing conflict that comes naturally to them. It is important to be able to use any of the styles. Sometimes it may work best to avoid the issue, and other times, you need to be able to compromise. To know which style will work best:
- Decide whether an issue is important to you
- Think about whether the other person's feelings are important to you.
- Understand what you will win or lose by using a certain conflict style with that person.
What are ways to resolve conflict?
- Healthy ways to manage conflict include speaking up, finding out what's wrong, and then coming to a joint decision on what to do about it. Ask yourself if an issue is worth talking about. Some conflicts are small and easily managed. If a conflict is not very important to you, you may give in without feeling that too much was lost. What do you want to accomplish?
- Set aside a time and place to deal with the conflict. Try to choose a time when neither of you feels very stressed.
- Be specific. State the problem and why you want to talk about it. Focus on what is happening now and resolve one conflict at a time. Don't bring up things from the past that upset you. Avoid blaming and saying things that you will regret later.
- Use "I" statements to describe how you feel and why, like "I feel angry when…" rather than more blaming "you" statements, like “You always…” or “You never….”
- Treat each other with respect. Don’t call each other names or accuse the person of lying. Don’t yell or scream and don’t be physically violent. If anger gets in the way, take a brief time-out (from 30 minutes to 24 hours) and set a time to talk again.
- After you state the problem as you see it, ask the other person to give his or her point of view and feelings about the issue.
- Follow the rules of active listening to make sure each of you understands what the other is saying. This means making eye contact, letting each other know that you are really listening to their thoughts and feelings, restating what you believe the other person has said, asking questions to check your understanding, and summarizing what the other person has said when they are finished speaking.
- Talk about how goals can be achieved. Can you come up with a compromise? Focus on "win-win" results in which both people feel that some of their needs are met. Know what you are willing to give up in order to move forward.
- If you are having trouble coming to an agreement or compromise, take a break from talking about it for up to a week so that you can each think about it over time. If needed, use a neutral third party who can listen well to keep the process on track and on time.
- Agree on how you both will work to resolve the conflict and set up a follow-up meeting to see how things are working out.
When conflicts are resolved, people can work better together as a team and have the boost in self-esteem that comes from working through something difficult.
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This content is reviewed periodically and is subject to change as new health information becomes available. The information is intended to inform and educate and is not a replacement for medical evaluation, advice, diagnosis or treatment by a healthcare professional.
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